Ahoy, Mateys! Prepare to Walk the Plank of Laughter with These Hilarious Pirate Jokes

By Raz Parker

The jokes that come with being a pirate are hilarious, and if you have a child or friends that enjoy the thought of a pirate’s lifestyle and want a laugh with it, look no further! 

The kids will get a kick out of telling these jokes, whether they laugh so much they can’t finish the joke properly, or they have a room full of eye-rolling adults.

Having a laugh is medicine, and it has a massive psychological benefit. It’s contagious and even if the joke is no good, it can still send a room full of people into fits of laughter by how bad it is. 

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Q: What did the ocean say to the pirate? 

A: Nothing, it just waved 

Q: Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank?

A: Because they’ll just wash up on shore later 

Q: What do you call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?

A: A rookie 

Q: Why is pirating so addictive?

A: They say once you lose your first hand, you get hooked 

Q: What has 8 legs, 8 arms, and 8 eyes?

A: 8 pirates 

Q: How do pirates know that they are pirates?

A: They think, therefore they ARRRRG!!! 

Q: How did the pirate get his Jolly Roger so cheaply? 

A: He bought it on sail 

Q: What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea? 

A: He got marooned

Q: How much did the pirate pay for his piercings? 

A: A buck-an-ear 

Q: What’s the difference between a hungry pirate and a drunken pirate?  

A: One has a rumbling tummy, and the other’s a tumbling rummy 

Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? 

A: A nervous wreck 

Q: What does a dyslexic pirate say? 


Q: Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? 

A: Because they can spend years at C

Q: What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? 

A: A carrot 

Q: How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook? 

A: An arm and a leg 

Q: Why did nobody want to play cards with the pirate? 

A: Because he was standing on the deck 

Q: Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs? 

A: Right where you left him 

Q: How do you turn a pirate furious? 

A: Take away the “p” 

Q: How do pirates prefer to communicate? 

A: Aye to aye 

Q: What did the pirate say when he became an octogenarian? 

A: Aye matey years old 

Q: What does a vegan pirate do in jail? 

A: Starrrrrrve! 

Q: What do you call a pirate who likes to skip school? 

A: Captain Hooky 

Q: What are the 10 letters of the pirate alphabet? 

A: I, I, R, and the seven C’s 

Q: What did the pirate wear on Halloween? 

A: A pumpkin patch 

Q: What’s a pirate’s favourite type of exercise? 

A: The plank 

Q: Why are pirates so angry when they come back from the toilet? 

A: After the p has gone, they become irate

Q: Why did the pirate have to go to the apple store? 

A: To get a new Ipatch 

Q: Why did the pirate pull out of the stock market? 

A: Because he was in shark-invested waters

Q: What’s the name of the world’s most frugal pirate? 

A: Barry D. Treasure 

Q. How come only the pirate with the eyepatch was able to make it to shore? 

A: Because it was one island 

Q: Did you hear about the one-handed pirate who heard a rumour that a group of skunks were going to sink his ship? 

A: He fell for it hook, line and stinker 

Q: Why couldn’t the pirate crew play cards? 

A: Because the captain was standing on the deck 

Q: What do pirates wear when it gets really cold? 

A: Long Johns 

Q: What do you call a pirate who steals from the rich and gives to the poor? 

A: Robin Hook 

Q: What did the pirate say when he left his wooden leg in the freezer? 

A: Shiver me timbers 

Q. What’s a pirates favourite letter of the alphabet? 


Q: What do you call 3.14 men out at sea? 

A: ‘Pi’-rates 

Q: Have you heard any good pirate jokes? 

A: Well, neither have ayyyyyyye. 

Q: Why didn’t the pirate go to the movies? 

A: Because it was rated AAAARGH 

Q: Doctor doctor, why do I feel like everyone keeps talking to me like a pirate? 

A: Because they argh! 

Q: Which two football teams were at the finals of the pirate Superbowl? 

A: The Buccaneers and the Seahawks 

Q: What do you get if you cross a pirate and a tropical fruit? 

A: Bandana 

Q: A pirate and a sailor were exchanging stories.

A: The sailor pointed to the pirate’s peg leg and asked, “How did you get that?” 

Q: Why do pirates bury their treasure 18 inches under the ground? 

A: Because booty is only shin deep 

Q: Why did the pirate go on holiday? 

A: He was in serious need of some Aaaaaar and Aaaaaar

Q: Why couldn’t the pirate stop binge-watching the TV series? 

A: Because he was hooked! 

Q: What’s the difference between a pirate and a cranberry farmer? 

A: A pirate buries his treasure, but a cranberry farmer treasures his berries. 

Q: What’s a pirate’s favourite subject? 

A: Arrrrt! 

Q: What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? 

A: Aye matey! 

Q: What’s a pirates worst enemy? 

A: Termites 

Q: Which Star Wars character do pirates like the most? 

A: Aaarrrgggh-2-D2

Q: What did one pirate say to another during a game of hide and seek? 

A: I sea you! 

Q: What did the sea police say when they arrested the pirate? 

A: You’re under a chest

Q: What’s a pirates favourite kind of fish? 

A: A GOLDfish 

Q: Why was the pirate strolling through the park dragging a piece of wood behind him tied to some string? 

A: Because the captain had told him to walk the plank 

Q: What do you call a pirate’s hairstyle? 

A: A crewcut 

Q: Why did the pirate cross the road? 

A: To get to the second hand shop 

Q: What did the pirate say to his girlfriend? 

A: You are perfect just the way you ARRRRR! 

Q: Why did the pirate go to college? 

A: He wanted to become an ARRRRchitect! 

Q: Knock knock 

A: Who’s there? 

Q: Garden

A: Garden who? I’m garden the treasure 

Q: What’s a pirates favourite fish? 

A: A swordfish 

Q: What was the pirate boxer’s biggest strength? 

A: His left hook 

Q: Where are American pirates from? 

A: ARRRRkansas 

Q: Why did two pirates get into an argument? 

A: Because they couldn’t see aye to aye 

Q: What do pirates do for fun? 

A: They love to pARRRRRty! 

Q: What’s a pirate’s favourite type of exercise? 

A: The plank 

Q: What’s the best name for a pirate dog? 

A: Patches 

Q: What gym did the pirate visit? 

A: Gold’s gym 

Q: What did the pirate’s parrot say when it fell in love with a duck? 

A: Polly wants a ‘quacker’ 

Q: What’s a pirate’s favourite country? 

A: ARRRRRRGentina 

Q: Where do pirates park their ships? 

A: In the harrrrrrrbor

Q: How do you save a drowning pirate? 


Q: Where do pirates go when they need to use the bathroom? 

A: The poop deck 

Q: What grades did the pirates get in school? 

A: High C’s

Q: What’s a pirates favourite letter? 

A: The letter RRRRRRR 

Q: What’s a pirate’s favourite brand of cereal? 

A: Captain crunch 

Q: What was the parrot’s favourite game? 

A: Hide and speak 

Q: Why was it so hard to call the pirate on the phone? 

A: Because he left the phone off the hook 

Q: Who was the most famous pirate octopus of the seas? 

A: Captain Squid 

Q: How does a pirate, who wears an eye patch, say “Yes” to the captain? 

A: He says, “Eye Eye, Captain.” 

Q: What does Santa say while visiting pirates? 

A: He says, “Row row row” 

Q: What is a pirate’s most favourite doll? 

A: Baaaaaarrrrrrrbie 

Q: What was the name of the pirate’s girlfriend? 

A: Peggy 

Q: Which instrument do pirates love in music class? 

A: The guitaaaarrrrrrr 

Q: What’s a pirate’s favourite movie? 

A: Booty and the Beast 

Q: Why did the pirate give up playing golf? 

A: Because he kept hooking the ball 

Q: Where’s a pirate’s favourite place to eat breakfast? 


Q: What do you call a pirate’s one true love? 

A: His soulmatey! 

Q: What do you get when you cross a pirate’s parrot with a shark? 

A: An animal that can talk your head off 

Q: What is a pirates favourite colour? 

A: Gold! 

Q: Which famous pirate caught the most fish? 

A: Captain Hook 

Q: How did the pirate stop computer hacks? 

A: He installed a patch 

Q: Why do pirates always win Halloween dance contests? 

A: They know how to shake their booties 

We hope that you have been in fits of laughter reading or hearing these classic pirate jokes!