Brew-tally Hilarious: Coffee Jokes for Caffeine Lovers

By admin

If you know your grown ups like drinking coffee in the morning or afternoon and you want to make them laugh, then we have a good line up of jokes for you to use on them. 

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Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?

A: Sanka 

Q: What does the Cat in the Hat use to make his coffee?

A: A purr-colator 

Q: What do you call sad coffee?

A: Despresso 

Q: There is a time and a place for decaf coffee

A: Never, and in the trash 

Q: I just read that every year adults spend more on coffee than they do on educating their children 

A: How do they sleep at night? 

Q: My teeth are stained, so the dentist asked me, “do you smoke or drink coffee?”

A: I told him I drink it 

I went to the coffee shop and asked the barista how much a cup of coffee was. He said, “Two dollars and the refills are free.” I said, “Great, I’ll have a refill then.” 

Q: What is the unofficial song for National Coffee Day? 

A: Black Coffee in Bed 

A guy walks into a cafe and orders a coffee to go. The coffee gets up and leaves. 

Q: Where do college basketball players always get their coffee?

A: Dunkin’ Donuts 

Q: Barista: How do you take your coffee?

A: Me: Very, very seriously 

Q: Where does Santa and his reindeer go to get hot chocolate while flying in the sky? 

A: Star-bucks 

Someone stole my coffee cup from work today. I’m just off to the police station to look at a few mugshots. 

Q: How do you discipline a coffee bean? 

A: You ground it 

I don’t think of it as losing an hour of sleep this weekend. I think of it as being an hour closer to coffee. 

Q: Why do the Lakers have to drink their coffee black? 

A: There is no more Kareem 

I was on the phone to my wife and said, “I’m almost home, please put the coffee maker on.” After a twenty second pause, I asked, “Are you still there?” “Yeah” she replied, “But I don’t think the coffee maker wants to talk right now. 

Q: Why don’t dementors drink coffee?

A: Because they hate Espresso Patronum 

Ever notice that when you serve someone a cold cup of coffee it makes them boiling mad? 

I worked at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind 

Q: What did the coffee addict say to his nurse?

A: I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it. 

Q: Did you know it’s a sin for a woman to make coffee?

A: It’s in the Bible. It says “He-brews” 

When born, Arnold Schwarzenegger got a job serving spaghetti for a local coffee shop. He was known as the pasta barista baby 

So, a cheerleader walks into a Starbucks and shouts, “gimme a tea!” 

Don’t ever let anyone tell you fairy tales aren’t real. I wake up every morning to drink a potion made from magic beans that brings me back to life. 

Q: How does Moses make his coffee?

A: Hebrews it 

Drink coffee.. Do stupid things faster with more energy 

Q: What did the coffee lover name his son? 

A: Joe, obviously 

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?” 

Q: How are coffee beans like middle school kids? 

A: They’re always getting grounded 

Coffee has bean the grounds of many a heated and strong conversation 

Drinking too much coffee can cause a latte problems 

The tea and coffee are married, but the tea leaves. Does that give the coffee grounds for divorce? 

Q: What are coffee shops in Russia called?

A: Tsarbucks 

I just got myself a top of the range coffee maker. It has a lot of perks. 

Q: What’s fat, hairy, and drinks a lot of coffee?

A: Java the Hut 

A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drank coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye. The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?” 

Q: How did the hipster burn his tongue? 

A: He drank his coffee before it was cool 

Q: Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup? 

A: He’d heard that the best part of waking up, is soldiers in your cup 

I drink so much coffee at work, I consider it part of my daily grind. 

Q: What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?

A: I asked for coffee

Q: What inspires a nurse to move at the speed of light?

A: A bed alarm or fresh coffee in the break room 

Q: What did the coffee say after getting hit by an earthquake? 

A: I’m shaken but not stirred 

Q: What’s a shark’s favorite coffee shop?

A: Shark-bucks 

Q: What do you call it when a cafe customer jokes about their coffee?

A: A brewhaha 

Q: Where do birds go for coffee?

A: On a NESTcafe 

My sister made me some coffee today. I said to her, “You make a mean cup of coffee.” She said, “It was good?” I replied, “I just said, it was average.” 

Q: Why did the espresso keep checking his watch? 

A: Because he was pressed for time 

Q: What do lobsters drink in the morning? 

A: Clawfee 

If you spend too much time drinking coffee in the morning, you could be latte for work again. 

Coffee is a silent victim in our house. It gets mugged every day. 

The coffee tasted like dirt because it was ground a couple of minutes ago 

Q: How do you make Pig Jerky? 

A: Give them some coffee 

Q: Why are Italians so good at making coffee?

A: Because they know how to espresso themselves 

Q: What is the opposite of coffee (coughy)? 

A: Sneezy 

Q: How does an IT guy drink coffee? 

A: He instals Java 

Q: What’s a wizards favorite drink?

A: Espresso Patronum 

The worst thing about being a giraffe is that your coffee gets cold by the time it reaches your belly. 

Q: Why do I not like coffee?

A: It’s just not my cup of tea 

I made my wife a cup of coffee today and she complained it tasted like dirt. I said, “That’s not surprising. It was just ground this morning.” 

Q: How do sharks stay up all night? 

A: They drink jaw-va 

A yawn is just a silent scream for coffee 

I visited a coffee shop where the wifi password was wedonthavewifi. It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier. 

The barista at Starbucks looked so nervous as she handed me my coffee. I think she was scared because she spelled my name wrong, she wrong “callthecops”. I didn’t bother leaving her a tip. 

Q: What did the one cappuccino say to their shy crush?

A: Espresso yourself 

Q: Why is a bad cup of coffee the end of a marriage? 

A: Because its grounds for divorce 

Q: Knock knock

A: Who’s there? Q: Noah A: Noah who? Q: Noah good joke about coffee? 

Q: What do you call a mother cow who has just given birth?

A: De-calfinated 

Q: What do you call a skater who likes Starbucks? 

A: A coffee grinder 

Q: What’s the perfect thing to say to a coffee-lover on Valentines day? 

A: Words cannot espresso what you mean to me 

Q: What’s it called when you steal someone’s coffee?

A: Mugging 

Q: Knock knock 

A: Who’s there? Q: June A: June who? Q: June know how to tell a good coffee knock-knock joke? 

Q: Why did the kangaroo stop drinking coffee?

A: It made him too jumpy 

Q: Why don’t snakes drink coffee?

A: It makes them viperactive 

Q: Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people? 

A: It can lead to a really heated, strong debate. 

Q: I’m about to have a dangerous cup of coffee

A: Safe tea first, though 

Q: What did the caffeine addict name his cats? 

A: Cream and sugar 

This morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. After 15 minutes of driving on the highway, I realized I left my car at home 

Q: How is divorce like an espresso?

A: It’s expensive and bitter 

Q: What competition do the best coffee makers try to win?

A: The coffee cup 

Q: What do you call the feeling that you’ve had this coffee before?

A: Deja-Brew 

Q: When do mechanics drink coffee?

A: When they are on a brake 

Q: How often do coffee lovers think about coffee?

A: They think about it a latte 

Q: What type of coffee do vampires drink?

A: Decoffinated 

Q: Which Beatles song is the best to listen to when drinking coffee?

A: Latte Be 

Q: What did the police say when a coffee bean fell from the desk to the floor?

A: She passed away without pain. It was instant 

Q: How do cups greet each other?

A: With mugs and kisses 

Q: What did the Brazillian coffee say to the Indonesian coffee?

A: What’s Sumatra with you? 

Q: What do coffee beans say on Valentines?

A: You keep me grounded 

Q: What did the coffees say before their night out?

A: Let’s stir up some trouble 

Q: What’s a barista’s favorite exercise at the gym?

A: The french press 

We hope that you’ve managed to make your friends and family laugh at these coffee jokes. We definitely had a great time writing them for you.