100 Funny Breastfeeding Quotes

I breastfed three gorgeous little humans to varying degrees of success and for varying lengths of time. The journeys were not always easy, and I was very lucky to get support from other moms and lactation consultants.

It is amazing some of the things you hear from other mamas, partners, and even strangers.

Especially when they are doing their best to put a smile on your face while your eyes are streaming, your nipples are bleeding, and you haven’t slept properly for goodness knows how long. 

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There are plenty of inspirational quotes you can wheel out but really, I just love to laugh and so here’s a few memorable things I’ve heard or seen about breastfeeding which have made me smile. 

Funny celebrity quotes about breastfeeding

  1. “Though breastfeeding is supposed to be the most natural thing ever, it seems like a rich person sport for all the stuff we buy to help” – Cassi Clark
  2. “Heaven is the feeling of hand warmers on sore nipples.” – Cassi Clark
  3. “People say, ‘You’re still breastfeeding, that’s so generous.’ Generous, no! It gives me boobs and it takes my thighs away! It’s sort of like natural liposuction. I’d carry on breastfeeding for the rest of my life if I could.”- Helena Bonham Carter 
  4. “If anything else woke up every 45 minutes during the night demanding to see my wife’s breasts, you kill it.” —Ryan Reynolds
  5. “Human milk is like ice cream, penicillin and the drug ecstasy all wrapped up in two pretty packages.” – Florence Williams
  6. “As a breastfeeding mother, you’re basically just meals on heels.” – Kathy Lette
  7. “There are three reasons for breastfeeding: the milk is always at the right temperature; it comes in attractive containers and the cat can’t get it.” – Irena Chalmers
  8. “If we wear our nursing covers backwards like capes, then everyone can see we’re breastfeeding superheroes.” – Cassi Clark
  9. “My opinion is that anybody offended by breastfeeding is staring too hard.” – David Allen
  10. “Nursing does not diminish the beauty of a woman’s breasts; it enhances their charm by making them look lived in and happy.” – Robert A. Heinlein
  11. “Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.” – Mike Harding
  12. “An ounce of breast milk is even more potent than the finest tequila.” – Tori Amos
  13. “There must be reasons why we men are so hipped on breasts as if we’d all been weaned too soon.” – Günter Grass
  14. “I feel like a milk maid, but it is worth it.” — Miranda Kerr
  15. “If you have milk, you have milk, and if they’re hungry, they’re hungry.” — Salma Hayek
  16. “Nursing gives you superhuman powers” – Gwen Stefani
  17. “They do say breastfeeding is nature’s lipo.” – Ana Ortiz
  18. “…when people say that breastfeeding is ‘free,’ I want to hit them with a two-by-four. It’s only free if a woman’s time is worth nothing.” – Hanna Rosin
  19. “We all have nipples. I don’t care who I offend; my baby wants to eat.” – Selma Blair
  20. “It gets better and better and better and better. Every cliché is true. Your nipples will heal. Your boobs will not.” — Brooklyn Decker

Anonymous or unknown funny quotes about breastfeeding:

  1. “You know you are a breastfeeding mom when you decide what to wear based on how easily accessible your breasts will be.” – unknown
  2. “Breasts are for the bedroom and breastfeeding. Not for any occasions requiring dignity.” – unknown
  3. “Breastfeeding is 90% determination and 10% milk production.” – unknown
  4. “I’ve been feeling letdown about breastfeeding.” – unknown
  5. “If breastfeeding is sexual than a bottle is a dildo.” – unknown
  6. “Everyone knows, if boobs were meant for men they’d be filled with beer not milk.” – unknown
  7. “My husband and I share the load. I breastfeed because he can’t, and he sleeps because I can’t.” – unknown
  8. “Breast milk is better than any udder milk.” – unknown
  9. “Never cry over spilt milk, unless it’s breastmilk, in which case cry a lot.” – unknown
  10. “Don’t bite the boob that feeds you.” – unknown
  11. “Never nurse a kid who wears braces.” – unknown
  12. “If men could breastfeed they’d make it an Olympic sport.” – unknown
  13. “Trying to loose weight while breastfeeding is like trying to loose weight brushing your teeth with chocolate.” – unknown
  14. “You know you’re a mom when sitting on the toilet while breastfeeding and eating a sandwich is just your everyday normal.” – unknown
  15. “I am adding breastfeeding to my resume. It says a lot about my work ethic and my ability to meet challenges.” – unknown
  16. “If my breastfeeding offends you, feel free to put a blanket over your head.” – unknown
  17. “You will never know fear until you’ve put your nipple in the mouth of a teething baby.” – unknown
  18. “Becoming a mother means that your baby is the one up all night drinking, but you still get to be hungover the next day.” – unknown
  19. “Milk, milk, lemonade, around the back chocolate’s made.” – unknown
  20. Parent to her friend: “I’m exhausted. I was up with the baby until 4 a.m.” Friend: “It’s probably not good to keep a baby up that late.” – unknown
  21. “Working moms bring home the bacon and the milk.” – unknown 
  22. “It’s not like I’m cooking. I am breastfeeding. I feel like that’s the best cooking I can do.” – unknown
  23. “Did you hear that news story where a woman assaulted a police officer by spraying breast milk at him? Her attorney should get a not-guilty verdict using the First Amendment. She was exercising her freedom of expression!” – unknown
  24. “If research showed that breastfeeding was anti-aging, everyone would do it.” – unknown
  25. “My friend opened the fridge and a bag of pumped breast milk fell out. “Oh, sorry,” I said. “The fridge is boobie-trapped!” – unknown
  26. “What kind of batteries does a breast pump use? Double d’s!”- unknown
  27. “Pumping sucks.” – unknown

Funny breastfeeding quotes my friends have said:

  1. “The Amazon courier looked a bit startled when I opened the door. Turns out I had a boob hanging out. Oh well, just another day.” – anonymous friend 
  2. “He’s not crying, he’s looking for the menu.” – anonymous friend  
  3. “If I drink the prosecco will my milk fizz?” – anonymous friend
  4. “Being in public and hearing a baby cry is like being an unwitting participate in a wet t-shit competition.” – anonymous friend  
  5. “I am mama, hear me moo.” – anonymous friend  
  6. “Challenge, while we’re feeding – first baby to poop wins.” – anonymous friend  
  7. “If breastfeeding were easy, men would be doing it.” – anonymous friend  
  8. “Don’t hug too hard, my boobs may explode.” – anonymous friend
     
  9. “Today marks ten months since I first told my husband that it’s dangerous for breastfeeding mothers to change the litter box – I wonder how long I can get away with it? – anonymous friend  
  10. “Cut your finger? Just squirt breastmilk on it. Seems to be the cure for everything else.” – anonymous friend  
  11. “I can tell which one to use, it’s the boob that’s twice the size of the other.” – anonymous friend  
  12. “Can you believe I can’t find any sexy maternity bras.” – anonymous friend  
  13. “I’d love to feel so relaxed that I could poop myself at dinner.” – anonymous friend  
  14. “My boobs have sagged so much I could toss them over my shoulders.” – anonymous friend  
  15. “If research showed that lactating made your dick bigger, all men would be trying to feed their babies.” – anonymous friend  
  16. “Breastfeeding: Making boobs unsexy since birth.” – anonymous friend 
  17. “The baby loves it when I feed him in Starbucks. It’s his favorite place to poop all over me.” – anonymous friend
  18. “It looks like he’s thinking, hum, where shall I go for lunch, left boob or right.” – anonymous friend
  19. “If I get my boob out here, I’m genuinely concerned that my milk will shoot across the café.” – anonymous friend
  20. “Mastitis is like having a pair of hot water bottles strapped to your chest, but instead of water it’s boulders and instead of a lovely feeling of warmth, it’s like wanting to die.” – anonymous friend
  21. “I need to drink so much water, I might as well get it intravenous.” – anonymous friend
  22. Me “Literally can’t remember the last time I washed.” My friend “I’d guess at least three days.” – anonymous friend
  23. “These hormones, it’s like a day out at six flags.” – anonymous friend
  24. “Netflix and chill? Netflix and coma.” – anonymous friend
  25. “I can’t remember my breasts before they were udders” – anonymous friend
  26. “My nipples seem to be producing more blood than milk.” – anonymous friend
  27. “If I have another baby, remind me to bottle feed.” – anonymous friend

Quotes said by no breastfeeding women ever: 

  1. “I found breastfeeding instantly easy and enjoyable!” 
  2. “Sleeping on my front again is entirely possible and so comfortable.”
  3. “With my boobs this enlarged I feel so sexy.”
  4. “What a lovely selection of maternity bras.”
  5. “I just love it when he pulls away with my nipple between his gums.” 
  6. “The bleeding just means it’s working.” 
  7. “I’ve got all the time in the world.”
  8. “No cake please, I’ve got enough energy.” 
  9. “Pumping is just so relaxing.” 
  10. “The buttons on my shirt are supposed to gape. It’s the latest fashion.” 
  11. “I can’t wait to watch you sleep while I’m awake feeding the baby.” 
  12. “I know we’re late, I’ll just feed the baby, it’ll be very quick.”
  13. “These extra hormones are just great for the skin.”
  14. “Breastfeeding in a restaurant is so convenient.”
  15. “I’ll just take a bit of me time and have a nice long hot bath.”
  16. “I can’t wait until he starts teething.”
  17. “Eating my meal while breastfeeding is super convenient.”
  18. “I just love pumping at the office”
  19. “He just loves it when I take him off the breast and put him down in the crib.”
  20. “Getting my breast out in public is such fun.”
  21. “Oops, spilt some of the milk while transferring it into the freezer bag. Never mind.”
  22. “Pump and dump sounds like a great use of my time.”
  23. “I’m avoiding screen time.”
  24. “I feel so energetic.” 
  25. “After all this time, I’m looking forward to getting my period back.”
  26. “Please stare.”

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